Few things can prepare a parent for that difficult moment when they hear, “Your child is bullying others.” For Sherry, it was a call from school about her five-year-old son, Nate. He’d been calling classmates names, taking their snacks, and even making another child cry by interrupting him repeatedly in class. Sherry was heartbroken and confused—her sweet little boy was the one causing pain to others. If you’re facing a similar situation, you may feel lost, embarrassed, or even fearful. But the truth is, early childhood is a formative period, and while these behaviors can be concerning, they’re also an opportunity for growth.
Your Child is Not a Monster
Let’s get one thing straight—your child isn’t a “bad kid.” Children who exhibit bullying behaviors are often struggling with emotions or needs they don’t know how to handle. They’re not bullies; they’re kids learning how to exist in a complex world.
Here are some common reasons why children act out in ways that hurt others:
1. They Want Attention
Children need to be seen, and negative attention feels better than no attention. They don’t see that taking a friend’s toy or interrupting class discussions is hurtful; they see it as a way to make people notice them. Young children who crave attention may find the drama and excitement of getting scolded just as rewarding as praise. What they need, however, is regular, positive attention—time spent together reading, playing, or talking that reinforces their value without disruption.
2. They’re Mimicking Others
Children, especially in their early years, are sponges for behavior. They watch how other kids, siblings, and even adults act and often copy what they see. If they see a classmate or older sibling teasing or being overly assertive, they may try it out themselves. This mimicry can be especially challenging if the behavior they’re copying goes unchallenged or even gets attention from others. If Donna shouts a funny phrase in class and everyone laughs, why shouldn’t they try one as well?
4. They’re Feeling Insecure or Anxious
Sometimes, children who feel insecure or anxious use bullying as a way to assert control in situations where they feel powerless. If a child is struggling with changes at home, such as a move, family conflict, or a new sibling, they may channel their stress into acting out. Often, these kids need extra comfort, routine, and assurance to feel secure.
5. They’re Simply Unaware of the Impact
Many young children have yet to grasp the idea that others feel pain the way they do. Emotional development varies, and some children don’t fully understand that their actions have lasting effects on others. Teaching empathy by gently helping them understand how their actions make others feel is crucial. Sharing stories, role-playing, and talking about emotions can all help children see their impact on others.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of labeling: your child as “the bully” and others as “the victims.” But these terms do more harm than good, especially when applied to young children who are just beginning to learn about relationships. Kids act out in response to their experiences and environment, and they’re highly receptive to guidance. Thinking of all children involved as part of a dynamic, rather than fixed roles, helps parents stay open-minded and compassionate as they work on solutions. Bullying behaviors can be unlearned, and kids can learn to express themselves in more positive ways with the right support and strategies.
How to Stop Bullying: Strategies That Work
While each child is unique, certain strategies can help guide most children out of bullying behaviors and toward more positive social interactions:
1. Teach Them That Bullying is Wrong
It sounds simple, but many kids don’t fully understand what bullying is or why it’s hurtful. Sitting down with them and explaining, in a calm and non-punitive way, why bullying is hurtful to others can be eye-opening. For instance, you might say, “When we call people names, it makes them feel small. It can make them feel sad, and that’s not how we want to make others feel.” You’re helping them understand the impact of their actions.
2. Show Warmth and Attention
It may seem counterintuitive, but showing warmth toward a child who has bullied can be transformative. They need to know they’re loved, even if their behavior isn’t. Positive reinforcement when they show kindness or restraint can go a long way in making kindness more rewarding than misbehavior.
3. Encourage Meaningful Activities
Kids need healthy outlets for their energy, and structured activities—whether team sports, arts and crafts, or cooperative games—can teach them teamwork and empathy. Children who participate in group activities learn the give-and-take of positive social interactions, which can make bullying behavior less appealing.
4. Keep Communication Open
When Sherry had a heart-to-heart with Nate, she discovered that his behavior stemmed from a strong desire to lead other kids, which he expressed by being a bit too pushy. By having an open conversation, Sherry was able to uncover Nate’s motivations and explain new ways to channel his leadership skills without hurting others. Talk to your child about what they want and how they feel; you might be surprised at the insights that come to light.
5. Take a Stand if Behavior Persists
If your child continues the behavior despite guidance, set firm but fair consequences. Let them know that certain privileges will be taken away if they continue to hurt others. This communicates that while you love them, bullying behavior is not something you will tolerate, teaching them to respect boundaries.
When the Web Gets Tangled
For some children, like nine-year-old Nina, there may be deeper issues that require professional guidance. Nina was kind to kids her own age and got along well with her siblings but consistently bullied younger kids. Her parents were puzzled and heartbroken as they watched her come up with more creative ways to pick on children smaller than her. After she locked a younger child in a closet during a family gathering, her parents decided to seek help.
A counselor discovered that although Nina’s family life seemed stable, she felt a deep sense of powerlessness at home, especially with her two older sisters. As her siblings enjoyed a unique bond, often excluding her, Nina found herself constantly trying to “catch up” in an unspoken sibling hierarchy. Unable to control her relationships with her sisters, Nina turned to controlling others in social settings where she felt more powerful.
Figure it Out Together
Nate and Nina were not horrible children, they just had needs that were left unmet. It was the expertise of a counselor that helped them feel happier and stop the bullying. Counseling is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Every child’s situation is different, so their therapy should be customized to address their specific needs and underlying motivations. In group sessions, children can practice new ways of relating to others, see how peers handle challenges, and receive positive reinforcement in a safe environment.
With a team of licensed counselors and a platform designed to meet the mental health needs of children, Understory Kids provides early intervention when it matters most. If you’re searching for a way to support your child’s journey toward empathy, kindness, and emotional resilience, explore what Understory Kids has to offer. Visit Understory Kids and take the first step in your child’s path toward a healthier, happier future.
